What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive

What Not to Say to a Friend Facing Fertility Challenges

Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old receptionist from Belfast, recalls a difficult moment following her third miscarriage. On the day after the loss, two coworkers made remarks that stung. A female manager noted, “At least” she was early in her pregnancy, while a male colleague criticized her appearance during work. The comments left Vicky in emotional turmoil, prompting her to resign from her job. She explains, “I know they’re trying to offer comfort, but during those moments, I wish people wouldn’t say that—it hurts.”

Common Misguided Remarks

Over time, Vicky has encountered numerous well-intentioned yet unhelpful comments from loved ones. Phrases like “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope” have been frequent. Some even offered advice, unaware of the emotional weight of her situation. “It’s not that I’m ungrateful,” she says, “but in those moments, I’d rather people listen than reassure me.”

“Someone really close to me sat me down just before I started IVF and said, ‘a lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it,’” Kay, 33, from Manchester, shared in an episode of Woman’s Hour’s Guide to Life. “It wasn’t meant to be cruel, but it felt dismissive.”

According to the NHS, roughly one in seven couples face challenges in conceiving. In 2023, over 50,000 patients underwent IVF treatments, where embryos are implanted in the uterus. Despite these numbers, those going through infertility often find it hard to discuss their struggles with others.

Cultural Pressures and Emotional Strain

Asiya Dawood, a 42-year-old British-Pakistani woman in West London, highlights how cultural expectations can amplify stress. In some South Asian communities, women who delay conception are frequently questioned, with relatives blaming career focus or late marriage. “I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life,” she recalls, adding that asking for support can feel like a weakness.

“There’s a sense of embarrassment,” says Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on the NHS IVF waiting list. “Because your body’s meant to do that, you feel like you’re failing yourself.”

Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, emphasizes that support needs vary. “You don’t have to confide in family or regular friends,” she notes. “Sometimes, your IVF support team will be different from the people you normally share personal matters with.”

Support That Matters

Prof Joyce Harper of UCL describes the emotional journey of fertility treatment as a “roller coaster.” She explains, “The days when you get a period or have an embryo transfer can be especially tough.” Opening up to others, she says, is vital for coping. “It’s important to let people know what you need,” Harper adds.

Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, offers a contrasting perspective. She credits her friends and family for providing “incredible” support throughout her fertility journey. After miscarriages, people brought her food, flowers, and vouchers for restaurants to help her relax. “Even small gestures, like texts saying you’re thinking of me, make a difference,” she says.